Darren and I will soon have been married 20 YEARS! We’ve made it a point to give each other the gifts of love, appreciation, and respect whenever interacting with each other.
Mind you, there have been occasions when our communication styles have clashed, but we’ve always addressed any crossed lines immediately. I’m not the type to allow things to simmer and fester, and thankfully, neither is he.
This is coming from a woman who at age 20 vowed I’d never, ever get married. The folly of youth. Omg–it’s a good thing we don’t stay young for too long!
As inhabitants of my BUTTERFLITIA intentional community that’s right over here in the next lane, he’s still my chief, very frisky ant, and I’m still his ever-lovin’ butterfly. LOL
Darren has also played a critical grandfatherly role in my grandchildren’s lives because he lives nearer to them than their bio-granddad who lives several states away. It’s Darren who goes with me to their school for ‘Grandparent’s Day,’ kindergarten graduations, dance recitals, and birthday parties. My grandkids are fortunate to have two loving, resourceful granddads who give to them in different but always quality ways.
Some of you may think I’ve overstating all of this and exaggerating about these 2 men, but those of you who know me offline will probably say I’m understating the value of the packages both of these men brought into my life. I’m so thankful!
This is why I’ve harped so much about vetting men on my blog. Vetting is the absolute most important step in a relationship between a woman and a man if there’s to be a mutually satisfying, long-term relationship. I realize that some of you don’t believe in long-term relationships, but I’m the long-term type of woman. Why? Well, for one reason, it’s only in a long-term relationship with a vetted man that a woman usually gets a good return on the investment of her time and especially her youth. A long-term (marital) relationship is similar to balanced investing in the stock market. No matter what, the woman gains compound interest for herself and her children. That requires time. It takes time to earn money on your earnings.
I don’t take any of the credit for just knowing the importance of vetting or knowing how to do it. I do, apparently, happen to be a good vetter of men for marriage. This is a skill set that I absorbed and internalized from my environment during my formative years. It was indirectly handed to me by my grandmother and my mother as well as key male relatives (my dad, uncles), so I’ve tried to pass this knowledge forward by sharing as many distinct skills in the set as possible in my blogs, podcasts, and offline as well, with other women. I hope with all my heart that my granddaughters will learn this skill set at the earliest appropriate age and apply it since the type of males or men a teen girl or woman spends time with almost always dictates the course of her life.
Anyway, the memories I’ve created with both men I married have been priceless, and I’m still creating them. Yay! What’s uniquely special to me about the 2 men I married is that they have the emotional makeup to get along well. They appreciate and trust each other.
So, 20 years sounds like a long time, but it’s not really. They’ve been rewarding years in every way that matters. Yes, I’m old or older now, and I’m loving it. I’ve made the years pay off for me. The 2 men I married have made sure I’ve had the wherewithal to do that with minimal stress. I have as much leisure time as I want. I can eat what I choose. I work at maintaining my health. I’m fit (I skate about 25 miles every week). I’m not just aging; I’m getting richer in every way that counts.
I’ve sadly encountered too many Black women who’ve gotten older and more impoverished in critical ways–poorer health, stressful environment, scarce support when they need it, lack of essential resources. Being poor and aging is a super bad combo in the U.S. I can remember working as a young professional in NYC when I was in my late 20s and early 30s and seeing numerous old and poor people living or existing there. I can remember praying many times for that to never happen to me.
What am I doing these days? Creating different things, as usual– as well as participating in a community social progress effort. Due to COVID, I’ve been away from our farm a lot lately, staying at a different location–helping out family members. Darren and I, therefore, rely on texts, calls, Zoom, Facetime, etc. to keep in touch on a daily basis. I’m away from him today, but I just received a text from him and it made me smile. He didn’t say anything funny. Just looking at his words, hearing his voice in my mind, and the thought of him made me feel good inside, made me smile. I’m still smiling.
There’s just something about this man!
Thanks, RA for this 
It occurred to me while I was on the skating trail this morning that good skating ability is based on practicing good skating form. Success at many things in life is largely based on good form, usually gained from an assortment of uplifting CULTURAL learnings such as a strong work ethic and having savvy about life.
Everyone knows by now that physical fitness is important because it’s a de- stressor and generally preserves health. Well, duh! But many people don’t act like they know that. Darren and I do a rigorous workout at least 4-5 days every week. We don’t always do it together though. It depends on our schedule for the day. We actively encourage each other to engage in exercise though and we compliment each others’ appearance. Did you do your workout yet? It might rain later, so you’d better go now. Or he’ll come upstairs and say: Come on! Let’s get over to the park before it gets too late. Or I’ll say: I’m going over to the park. You want to ride with me? 
Evia, 
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