I was thrilled to read this morning that Tyra Banks and her long-term boyfriend, Erik Asla (Norwegian photographer) are the new parents of a baby boy via a surrogate mother!! ARTICLE I was sad for Tyra last year when I read that she so passionately wanted to have children but was unable to conceive. At 41 then, her biological clock was taking its last gasps. She was undergoing the IVF treatments that she described as ‘traumatic.’
Well, this is an example of how money CAN actually buy life. LOL! Women with her resources can pay another woman to carry their fertilized egg. But hey, being a surrogate mom has become a lucrative new profession for some women. This is a win-win situation. This is a profession that even some older women can engage in because under the right circumstances, a healthy enough older woman (I’ve read of a few cases of women in their sixties doing this!!) can carry a fertilized egg and birth the child of a younger woman whose body is impaired in some way. I tell ya: A woman’s body is a magnificent creation! LOL!
As a marriage advocate,
of course, I think these two should be married, but let’s zoom in on reality. Before anyone writes to me and accuses me of being a hypocrite for not pointing out their non-married state, Tyra Banks and Erik Asla are far from being a typical baby-mama-baby-daddy couple! There is no practical connection. In all respects, these two can handle their own family without anyone’s help. They will never need to ask the taxpayers for any help or assistance in any way. Asking others to foot the financial and social bill for the aftermath of the epidemic of OOW births in the U.S. is the main reason that anyone ever complains about the baby-mama-baby-daddy syndrome.
It doesn’t matter the race or ethnicity of the OOW parents. No one wants to have to pay for someone else’s load when we have our own loads to pull. This is the main reason why my ex-husband and I only had 2 children, though we wanted a 3rd child. We had an income well in excess of 6 figures and this was back in the 1980s. It’s not just the money, it’s the time and emotional catering to young children that’s needed in order for them to develop properly, so we knew we couldn’t afford to give that to more than 2.
I read that in Europe, a LOT of mothers and dads do not marry and have children OOW all of the time, but it’s not emphasized enough that these parents are in committed relationships with each other (from what I’ve read) and are committed to raising the children together, despite their non-married status. That cannot be compared to the epidemic of OOW births in the U.S. because either the taxpayers and/or family members of these OOW children always have to step in to help to give financial and social support to many typical OOW children and/or deal with other negative fallout of blameless children who stumble through blighted lives.
Right now, I know of several older bw who are using money from their 401K’s, pension plans, and/or social security to help support their adult children and grandchildren every month. Some of these older bw have to get menial jobs to do this since they, in effect, have become the fathers for their daughter’s children, financially and practically. This is really a dreadful situation! But many of y’all reading this know that this is quite common.
Yet, some people love to point out that typical bw have a net worth of $5. Guess why! I’d say these women need to be commended because the alternative is to let the grandchildren wither and/or die. If these grandmoms don’t step in and help out, these young children won’t survive because neither their fathers or anyone else cares at all or not enough about these children.
I remember years ago, one bw co-worker of mine asked my ex-husband for advice about what to do about her serially pregnant daughter and he told her she should put her daughter (who had 2 kids at that point) out of her house and if one of the daughter’s children froze to death, then the daughter might learn not to get pregnant by bums. I can remember how this woman recoiled when he said that. I did too. She considered him a monster after that! LOL! He explained to me that a drastic problem usually requires a drastic solution and was in favor of also using drastic measures in certain Nigerian situations. Unfortunately, just like with the present-day Michigan water situation, I believe that drastic solutions are going to become the norm in the U.S. Most people in the country are just ho-hum about that water situation because it’s mostly impacting low-income people.
Not sure why most low-income people don’t realize before these situations happen that they are not considered valuable. Low income people can be and are easily written off, as ‘business goes on, as usual.’ This is why I’ve urged bw for years to always have their parachute ready and have ‘Plans A, B, and C,’ ready to put into action so that they can move out of any situation that is harmful to them–instantly. Get YOUR parachute ready NOW–before the disaster strikes! I promise you that it is headed for you, especially if you are low-income because disasters are largely opportunistic. If you are in the path and don’t have the wherewithal to get out of the path quickly, you WILL be demolished.
However, I’m not blaming SOME bw solely for the epidemic of OOW births (supposedly decreasing now) because the typical bw has a maternal instinct and wants to have a children–just like Tyra Banks did. Just like I did, and just like most women in the world. Women are wired like that. That’s natural. However, the typical bw in the U.S. still waits for permission to date or mingle interracially or interculturally. I mean, we still hear and read where SOME bw are asking: “Should I consider interracial dating?” LOL! Also, the typical bw in the U.S. is an unwitting, fully-cooperating victim of American bw-defeatist social programming.
We all know but no one ever mentions the fact that if the typical black American woman waits for a bm (the sperm donors for the overwhelming most of bw’s children) to propose marriage–before she has children, the birth rate among black Americans will fast approach zero %. As some pundits have pointed out: As more upwardly mobile, better educated, higher-salaried bw flatly refuse to have OOW children, the predominant group of bw who will continue to have children in the U.S. is among the lowest income, most incapable of birthing and raising viable children. Nothing will stop clueless lowest income people of ANY group from having children. The lowest income people everywhere have the most children. I’ve wondered about why that is since I like to dig beneath the surface. If I were low income, I know I would NOT allow a low-income man to even come near me because I know sex might occur and sex leads to children. I’d probably figure out a way to rip out my uterus, as some bw used to do Down South when they didn’t want any more children because NO amount of contraception of any sort is going to prevent all pregnancies.
My girlfriend who is a psychiatric social worker pointed out to me that a key reason why the lowest income people continue to have children they can’t afford is because they believe they can’t succeed at doing anything else, but they CAN make a person. I dunno. (smh)
Another thing I have to point out is that practically ALL of the estimated 70% of unmarried bw in the U.S. COULD easily marry somebody, but most women want a man who is at, near, or above their ‘level.’ Otherwise, divorce is almost guaranteed. Not saying that’s the only reason for divorce! I’ll talk in detail about what the term ‘level’ means below–since we are in the Valentine Day season of LOVE. LOL! These are my personal views and maybe some of those of women who may have a similar viewpoint. Not speaking for everyone who uses that term. I’m going into detail about this also because the wording about some of these issues is sometimes very problematic and sheds no light.
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My holidays were great. Busy with family doings, vending my crafts cooperative’s handcrafts at holiday craft shows, and participating in a couple of community events. What was not great was 3 conversations I had with 3 bw in late December. I’ve known these women for a few decades. They are good, hardworking, ambitious, generous, intelligent, kind, proud women. Two of them are black American women and one is a black Hispanic woman who grew up in this country. The “black” part here is critical because the information that numerous black women get or the information that the overwhelming most of black women listen to is VERY faulty. I’ve been saying that for years. Problem is that the typical black woman doesn’t realize how full of holes the info is until it’s too late. Sad to say, it’s too late for these women.
I care about these women, so I’m shining the light on their plight, but there’s a pattern of this happening to many other black women also. This led me to wonder WHY does this happen so often, almost like clockwork, to so many black women in this country? Why REALLY are these hardworking women so financially drained and still working like workhorses in their upper years?. One confessed to me, with a lot of shame, that she was actually HOMELESS for a period last year!! I’m still reeling from that because this woman is so dear to me. I love her. After I had undergone a devastating loss of a loved one during our college days, this black Hispanic woman and her grandmother became my extended family in NYC and nursed me back from the brink of dropping out of college and maybe even resigning from life.
And now I find out that she was HOMELESS?
Naturally, she could always come and live with me. I offered that to her, but she’s too proud to do that. Also, she has made a life in a distant state, and even though she’s not doing well there, her children live there, so she won’t leave. She did finally swallow her pride and moved in with one of her sons.
But something is VERY wrong about this. I was talking to my oldest son about this yesterday. I told him I’d write about this because I know that many other black women who LISTEN to all of that full-of-holes advice and WILL end up the same way.
If you’re a black woman, this could very easily happen to YOU! ALL of these women have college degrees and are very intelligent–when measured in the usual ways. None of them is currently married, but two of them are divorced.
Actually, I’ve known two of these women since college. We were in freshman classes together and worked as work-study students for a well-known researcher-professor on campus. We became friends. Physical distance kept us from spending a lot of time with each other over the years but we stayed in frequent contact. We visited each other and spent time with each other on various occasions since college, with invitations to each others’ weddings, baby showers, visits, parties, or just to get together. We talked and shared a lot on the phone, but without seeing people physically, you don’t know how they’re actually doing because–due to pride and shame–people are often selective about what they divulge.
At this point in our lives when women of any background need to be able to lay back and relax, I was dismayed to hear about the severe grittiness of their PRESENT financial conditions and social lives. When we’re young, some of us may expect to struggle somewhat financially and socially, but when you’re over 50, I know I always expected to be on Easy Street. I made many decisions with that uppermost in my mind. That’s what I prepared for; that’s how I planned my life. And along the way, I made sure that my ACTIONS were actually matching my plans. I knew I couldn’t depend on luck and shouldn’t depend on anyone else. What’s that old saying about: ‘Mama may have . . . but God bless the child that’s got her own.’
But in order for a bw like me to do that, she has to completely ignore 95% of what other blacks advise her to do, which is something I never had a problem doing. I’ve never listened much to anyone from anywhere who wasn’t doing better than me. Many bw do not realize that they listen to others who have failed because the advice just floats in and slips into their brains seamlessly without them realizing it or questioning it. The problem is that too many of them tend to mingle with failing or failure-prone folks. Many bw, for ex., mingle with other women who are NOT in loving relationships with CQLL men, and don’t know the first thing about vetting or choosing good men, and/or they mingle with others who are not a part of a supportive network of family and friends. They also tend to mingle with others who overspend instead of UNDERSPEND money.
This is why I’ve warned bw to be extremely careful about those in their circle because “birds of a feather flock together,” and these failing ‘birds’ around you will lull you to sleep as you’re plummeting to the ground.
I’ve said numerous times in my articles that black women in this country need a NEW MENTALITY, and these are among the reasons why.
Back to these 3 women. Of course, I’ve talked with them many times over the years. SOME of our views and values are the same, but after college, our lives went in different directions. Due to our recent conversations and based on where their views and values led them, this has caused me in the last month to rake through some of what they told me to determine how it was that these good, intelligent, good-hearted women allowed their lives to go off the rails. I’m not judging them. Instead, I want to learn. I think we need to slice and dice these situations and learn lessons from them. This did NOT have to happen. Why do we have to just accept failure? I don’t believe we have to since I believe there are many things we can do to prevent things like this from happening. There’s always a better way. There is always available another thought system that could uplift instead of let people sink.
I haven’t decided how I want to share or profile their lives and delve into how this happened to them, but there are many valuable lessons that many could learn from the whole cycle of their lives. Their lives are VERY similar to YOUR lives. So, I’m still thinking . . .
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A Man on My ‘Level?’
This issue has many nuances, but many people will make it seem that when a bw uses this expression, she’s ONLY talking about a man who is college educated or has a larger income. NOT true. For some of us, a man’s higher education and money are not enough.
After my divorce, I dated a man briefly who had a job that paid him very near 6 figures. He was a college grad and also had a lucrative side business. I admired him for his profitable business, all the more so because he was a black American man. He assured me and actually showed proof that he had the wherewithal to play his position financially in a long term relationship with me. I didn’t ask him for any proof; he readily provided it. All the while, I was busy vetting him in other ways, trying to gauge whether he was on my ‘level.’
On our first date, he took me to a nice restaurant and we had a nice time. He was through and through a gentleman. On our second date, I told him I wanted to go to a large, prominent museum that had a popular exhibit. He told me he’d never gone to a museum before. I found that interesting since he’d worked in that city for years, but he liked the fact that I wanted to go to a museum. He told me I was classy since he’d never gone out with a woman who wanted to go to a museum. I told him I was an Anthropology major in college and love museums, lighthouses, antique shops, cultural outings, ethnic foods, and things of that sort.
So, we went to the museum. After seeing the exhibit and having a good time chatting about this and that, I steered us into the gift shop on the way out. LOL! I always like looking at items in culturally themed shops. I stood for long moments at the jewelry display oohing and aahing and making all the right noises over a cute pair of $13 dollar earrings. He just stood near me and watched silently. The fact is that I expected him to say: “You like those? Well, let me get those earrings for you as a memento of our time together here.” I could tell that this guy liked me, had enjoyed the day, and he’d already assumed that we’d continue to go out, which means he had enjoyed spending time with me. I inferred this from comments he’d made.
But things were not looking good for us at that point! At my age, I wanted to marry again and had decided that I wasn’t going to spend gobs of time serially dating unsuitable men. I began to suspect that he wasn’t on my ‘level’ because he didn’t offer to buy me the earrings and more importantly, what that implied. I went ahead and bought them. I knew he wasn’t a cheapskate, but I wanted a man who understood certain social niceties like that. So I considered his not knowing that as a glaring faux pas. I was accustomed to it being a normal expectation of a woman, in that type of situation, to expect a little memento. I was used to men who knew those things. I had received various mementos from men in similar situations. Similarly, if you’re out on a date with a man on a hot day, he offers to buy you an ice cream cone or a cold drink, right? LOL! That’s just a perfect romantic touch.
I wondered what other gaffes he might make and in what circumstances. I definitely knew that I didn’t want to teach him these things. Those are things I’d taught my sons: to buy girls cards, nice little gifts, and how and when to say complimentary things, etc. Why would I have to do that with a grown man? I wasn’t his ‘mommy poo.’ How could he compensate me for the time and effort? He’d implied he was generous. Sure, he had the income to take me out to nice restaurants, go on trips, but I didn’t need a man to buy me nice dinners. Traveling was an interest, but having a man finance my trips wasn’t a priority. Going out to nice restaurants were normal and therefore just ho-hum for me. These weren’t at the top of my list IF other things weren’t in place or if we weren’t compatible. Compatibility or being on a compatible level can’t be bought.
Since I was losing interest fast and didn’t want to waste my time or his, I told him later on the phone that I’d expected him to buy the earrings for me. He said that I should have asked for them!!! I told him that if he hadn’t noticed and that as quaint as it might sound: I AM A LADY, and where I come from, ladies don’t ‘ask’ men to buy them gifts. He told me I was being old-fashioned and that if I wanted a gift from him, I should just ask. He told me that other women he’d dated didn’t hesitate to ask him to even buy them furniture and other expensive items. I told him that I’m not that type of woman and that therefore, it would be best for us to part ways. I thanked him for the dinner and the museum trip. But he didn’t want to hear that! He offered to pay me back for the earrings. I told him that wasn’t the point. He became angry and accused me of being a snob. He told me that he grew up poor and didn’t know anything about social niceties. I told him I grew up in the backwoods of Alabama, on a farm and poor too, but that somehow, I’d been taught, learned, and experienced various social niceties and I liked that type of more refined life. I told him I’d also learned that it’d be very uncomfortable to try to mingle with people who were in a completely different realm socially–either higher or lower. I mean, I know I can’t mingle comfortably with the ‘old money’ crowd, the super rich or with gangbangers, hells angels, the ghetto fabulous, hillbillies, and other members of various subcultures, so I try to stay in my lane. However, my lane happens to be middle-class wide–the lane where most people in the world are found.
He thought that with his money, he could buy a so-called classy (his word) woman, and he could have succeeded if his money was of primary interest to me. Instead, I wanted a man ON MY SOCIAL LEVEL. I knew that I could get a man who had the same amount of money as he had, or more, and one who would also be on my LEVEL socially. My Nigerian ex-husband grew up sharing one room in Nigeria with his parents, his 2 siblings and 2 cousins, yet he knew all of the social niceties and is an extremely refined person. This black American guy tried to guilt me into continuing to date him by claiming that he was poor and black. He even referred to himself as just a ‘ghetto boy.’ It had nothing to do with where he’d grown up; his lack of refinement was due to his lack of exposure, as an adult who was many decades old. He wanted me to be his ‘mommy poo’ and teach him, but what was in it for me? Nice restaurants and gifts? Not interested. Those are things I could easily acquire without being a ‘mommy poo.’
So, we parted ways, but not before he called me a few choice names. LOL! He later called to apologize and apologize, but it was pointless.
After dating a couple of other men, I met Darren, who also grew up on a farm, but has most of the attributes of a Renaissance man. We’ve been together for 15 years. Obviously, the compatibility is there. The love is there too, but as I’ve pointed out: love is not enough.