Ayanna and Adib
Felicia, thanks! Yes, more and more black American women are wising up.
Other AA women out there, please speed up this process by telling other bw you know that IF they want to get married, only approx. 35% of AA men (1 out of 3) are married and of those who are married, 22% (more than 1 out of 5–according to a 2008 poll published by PEW Research Center) are married to non-bw. And 9% of black women in the U.S. are married to non-black men. THANKS to commenter PK for this recent stat.
Also, more AA men are stating it clearly that they are not going to marry ANY woman since they can get all the sex and other creature comforts they want from women without marriage.
I personally THANK those guys for saying it just like that. I love it when men tell on themselves and really SHOW themselves. LOL! And I mention this because so many AA women think that their black prince is on the way with the engagement ring. I don’t even like it sometimes when an AA woman grabs my hand to look at my beautiful marriage rings because I know what she’s thinking.
AA women must mingle ONLY with men who have shown that they are the marrying kind of men–IF those women do want to get married.
And AA women, YES, you must lose weight for your own health and longevity. I’m going to post a health article in my next essay that a kind man sent me about bw’s weight. However, even if you do lose weight and are not a baby mama and never mention your education to an AA man, and even if you have the demeanor of a “Stepford Wife,” and yadda-yadda, there is a very high probability that the AA man you may be dating will never ask you to marry him. That’s the probability. Look at the stats!!
And I want AA women to know that your CREATOR has already answered your prayers for a mate because there are already hundreds of millions men already here for you, me, and every other woman.
As an adult woman, It’s your fault if you choose to believe all of the lies you’ve been told to stay away from all other men aside from AA men, most of whom will be choosing white-skinned women for mates IF they can get the wherewithawal to get or afford those women. You must stop engaging in magical thinking that IF AA men could only do better, they would then marry you and build up the black community. Despite all evidence to the contrary, you’re being told those lies in order for you to use your time, energy, ,money, intellect, talent, skills, abilities, and protective instincts to support, uplift, and defend men who are SHOWING that they do NOT choose AA women as mates when and if they do move on up. Do NOT lift up any man who’s not lifting YOU and women who look like you up!
On this BWIR site, for ex., you never see a wm or white-skinned man who has not lifted up a black woman. It’s about RECIPROCITY.
A huge proportion of the more upwardly mobile AA guys you see around you are trying to get their hands on mo’ money so that they can better afford a whiter woman. LOOK at the PATTERN. Everyone else sees this PATTERN except for many AA women.
[Y’all, I’ve added so much to this post until I decided to just add more pics instead of writing a new post. LOL!]
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THANK YOU, Ann for the article about the Asian guy who seemed to be mainly promoting long term, committed relationships or marriages between AA women and Asian men. I didn’t check out his actual site prior to posting the article. I read the article though. In it, he was strongly encouraging Asian men to approach black women for dates, and refuted myths about black women being unapproachable. I REALLY appreciate that he did that, and that’s why I posted the article link.
Everyone: From now on, please check out material thoroughly before sending it to me. I don’t have a staff to vet material, and there are folks out there who are constantly trying to get material onto my site–material that is not in agreement with my position(s).
However, according to one of the commenters who went to this Asian guy’s actual site, she says the site actually involves a business teaching Asian men how to be better “pickup” artists and is seemingly infested with Asian men who are obssessed with simply scoring the “P” from white women. LOL! I certainly don’t want to help Asian men to score the “P” from bw.
I don’t have a problem with men giving men tips on how to approach women for reasons that will promote the betterment of women and men, but I do have a problem with men teaching men how to pick up white, black, or ANY woman JUST FOR empty SEX. That is SELFISH and one-sided. It’s USING a woman ‘s body as a semen dump and it has disastrous consequences like serious chronic or terminal DISEASES, unwanted children, abortions, and MOSTLY causes major distrust between men and women and lifelong emotional PAIN, in many instances. I had to tell a man recently that if a man just wants to pick up women to “score,” then he should just buy a sex worker (prostitute). He gets what he wants and she gets what she wants, with no dishonesty involved.
PICKING UP women to “score the P” is foul and involves DISHONESTY and DECEPTION. It’s scamming those women because men KNOW that most women think that he actually likes HER mind, body, and soul–not just her “P.” Men will deny this, but they know that if they told a woman, “I’m just here talking to you because you look like you have a good “P,” then the man would never get any sex. LOL! SO, men deceive women and I’m not going to be a part of any type of man’s campaign to deceive ANY type of women.
No, I’m NOT being naive, as I was accused. I know that this scamming women for sex is what causes most women not to trust MOST men. ALL women must constantly be on guard against these semen dumpers. If men approach women for relationships that will ultimately lead to sex, that’s different. But picking them up because they look “HOT” is empty and almost often leads to merely an exchange of body fluids. It rarely leads to a Quality relationship because Quality rarely has anything to do with the way a person LOOKS.
Okay, I’m sure that many of you folks are calling me a fuddy-duddy and worse right about now–LOL!– but this is a MARRIAGE-oriented site. I’m NEVER going to say anything positive about the hookup culture here. I’ve never been a part of the hookup culture, and I did just fine with men. I’ve had wonderful relationships with Quality men. I let men know right away with my behavior that I wasn’t the local semen dump, so those men who were looking for the local semen dump knew real fast that they were wasting their time with me.
And even MOST men are NOT happy in the hookup culture out there–no matter what they may claim–because a lot of men ARE actually getting the “P,” and a lot of them are STILL as mad as hell at women. Even a lot of AA men who brag that they can get all the “P” they want from all kinds of women STILL seem to have an insane hatred for the bw who are sexing them and are rarely committing to ANY woman or can’t sustain a relationship with ANY woman–according to the stats.
I’m also totally against women USING men for any reason and I don’t associate with women who tell me they do things like that. I believe that if she’ll use a man, she’ll also try to use me at a certain point.
I dated a wm once who a ww had badly used. He told me about how he had paid for luxurious perks for her like a vacation to the islands for her and her children from a previous relationship and for an expensive camp for her children, only to find out later on that she was just using him for his money. He actually made the comment to me that “You women are all the same.” This was on our second date when he told me this, so I definitely hadn’t used him for anything. YET there he sat blaming me and all other women for what she had done. I never went out with him again because I wasn’t going to allow him to use me to get his revenge for what she had done to him.
So, yeah, yeah, I know the “hookup” culture is going strong out there, but I have counseled many women AND men who have been victims of this supposedly cool hookup culture. These men and women have been wounded. Many of them never recover from their wounds. They take their wounds into the next relationship, just like the wm I mentioned above.
However, re the article, some of these Asian guys who know how to approach bw with the correct intentions are going to end up with some lovely, nurturing black women for wives. LOL! As a matter of fact, I’m getting sent more pics now of Asian men and AA women. The Asian guy in the article made reference to Asian men being shorter. I would like for Asian men to know that MANY black women do understand that a man’s strength has NOTHING to do with large body mass.
The type of strength from a man that turns on a Quality woman or definitely a woman like me is a man’s MENTAL strength, and his intellect. For ex. Darren is about 2-3 inches taller than me and his body build is slim and wiry, but his mental strength and his intellect make me sizzle. Also, he has no problem showing me his vulnerabilities. It takes a man with mental strength to be emotionally intimate with a woman and show her that he’s vulnerable, to cry or reveal his innermost needs to her, but if a man doesn’t show me his vulnerabilities, I’d figure he doesn’t trust me.
However, I’m not suggesting that women or men should expose their vulnerabilities to anyone if they can’t protect themselves because some people will try to take advantage of you–if they know your soft spots. IMO though, if I have to hide myself from my husband, then our relationship is a farce and I really wouldn’t value it much at all. That’s just me. I want to have a REAL relationship with a man or none at all. Life is too short for fakery; I’d rather use my energy in a more productive way.
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Thanks, JJinPA for this Article Link:Black Women See Fewer Black Men At The Altar. Bw need to STOP mingling with BLACK men who they are propping up, protecting, supporting, defending and bailing out of one bad situation after another, and sexing, YET a huge number of these same bm won’t marry them.
I’m happy that the NYT is sticking bw’s faces in this because lots of folks, including every white person and African I know personally, already wonder why AA women keep behaving in such a stupid way, supporting and defending bm who don’t give a blip about them. The NYT and every other media organ needs to continue to punch AA women in the face with this. It is much better for these “nothing but a bm” women to be ALONE than to be DISRESPECTED!!
I have two black sons. If either of them ever gave me any inkling that he was going to kick me to the curb and uplift any other person, he would never get even a smile from me again, and he’d better be thinking about somewhere else to stay because his days would be limited around me. Why? Because I was there for them when no one else was, so they’re going to respect me and lift me up. And if not, then they’d better forget they ever had a mother because I wouldn’t lift a finger for them after that–no matter what. It would hurt like heck, but it’s a matter of principle and my self-respect.
So many AA women don’t respect themselves any more because they’ve allowed so many others to disrespect them. I might not be much to other folks, but they’re going to at least pretend to respect me or else.
But I let others know how I’m to be treated. And I’m not big and bad. I’m just going to always look out for my interests ‘first and foremost’ just like I looked out for the interests of my sons when they needed me most.
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Shayna (the bride) I love the background in this pic!
Shayna and Steve (below)
Thanks, Felicia for these beautiful pics. I’m getting so many pics now from you and others until I’m WAY behind on posting them!
Author: Mellissa A. Knowles
Photography by: Person + Killian Photography
“You might say it took a while for Shayna Seymour and Stephen Carr to get to a first date. After the two met in San Francisco, the romantic timing was never quite right. As friends, they secretly admired each other from afar, keeping in touch from different cities, connecting when possible. When both returned home to Massachusetts for work, they reunited for the “official” date that cinched their romance – a Red Sox victory over Yankees at Fenway Park. “It took us six years, but it was worth the wait.” Stephen, a school administrator, popped the question to an unsuspecting Shanya, a television journalist, on a romantic evening – complete with candles, rose petals and a little black ring box pulled from the boughs of their Christmas tree – planned just for her. . . .”
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Darren finalized our vacation plans this morning. We’re going out of the country, as usual, and as is customary with us, we rented a very well-accommodated condo in a quaint part of the City of a major foreign capital. After we sent them a portion of the money, I got nervous because I vaguely remembered that my passport might have expired, but when I checked, it’s due for renewal in 2011, so it’s fine for this year. GREAT!
Actually, Darren and I had a kinda, sorta argument about the vacation because I wanted to stay a month, (since he can take the time) but he doesn’t want to stay a whole month BECAUSE his garden will need lots of attention during that particular time. He’s planted about 12 different types of veggies and melons, and he’s planted a lot of trees this year, including 15 Tupelo trees and said teasingly, or I think he was teasing, that we’ll have plenty of Tupelo honey. I love the garden goodies, but I wish they didn’t interfere with our vacation. That garden has become like another child, except that there’s no babysitter or family member who’ll watch the garden! LOL!
NO one wants to do that amount of work in this humid heat. And he wouldn’t want anyone out there anyway messing in his garden because that’s what he LOVES to do. Some men love sports; others love to build things in their shop in the basement, but Darren loves nature and gardening. They’re passions for him.
So, the compromise was for us to split the vacation into 2 separate sessions. We’ll spend the first session over there, and we will go somewhere else for another couple of weeks later this summer. That might actually be more fun. I was thinking about Martha’s Vineyard again, if we stay in the country, but there really isn’t much to do there aside from strolling around looking out for famous folks, eating, and buying stuff with MV and names of local places printed on them. LOL! I do like some of the shops there, but Darren and I couldn’t do much else aside from lots of walking and roller blading early in the morning before all of the tourists came out. The beach there was beautiful and there were a lot of activities for the boys though, so that was good.
If anyone knows of a non-touristy place that’s really interesting that has history, arts, another cultural flavor, a variety of activities, in the northeast, please let me know. New Orleans had that, but I don’t know whether I’d want to go back there after Katrina. I like Charleston, SC, but whew, it’s scorching in the summer. Miami is too. The south is, in general, just TOO hot in the summer! Darren’s going to the Rockies’ area next week, and I’m not particularly interested in going that way.
I love being out of the country and so does he. He’s done a lot of traveling and living in other countries for years when he was in 20s and early 30s. He still loves traveling, except for when his garden is calling him. LOL! I’m thinking more and more of living for at least a portion of the year outside the States when he retires one of the these old days. He keeps talking about going back to Zanzibar. He always has a wistful tone in his voice when he talks about that.
Candace and Tommaso
Darren loves his job though, so I won’t hold my breath for that to happen. I love it that he has a stimulating job and has the type of job where he can take time off or take his work with him, so we’ll have to use that perk, in the meanwhile, for our outings. LOL!
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Note from ENW, a bw reader:
I told her I’d post excerpts from it and use them for a teachable moment.
I am a single woman,and I have been in 3 interracial relationships in my time of dating,but where i live dating seems to be limited to meeting wm online . . . the WM [generally] have the wrong stereotype of blacks, maybe some of the elements they live among (i.e. they try to act gangster,or what they interpret as “black”). Maybe some decent WM are afraid to approach.
Is there any advice you can recommend on places to be to meet WM, or any dating books or approaches to have conversations with a wm of interest? Thank you. I have just come across your site, and you have a lot of valuable information. I love reading everyone’s comments on these topics.
My understanding is you have to be cautious of anyone you date, be it locally in your city or online.This may be a crazy question,but is it wrong to want to know the background of a person before you get involved? And i am not a typical type of AA woman. I don’t mind engaging in activities outside of my social comfort zone
. . . . and I’m in no way trying to offend anyone with the comments i made with “gangsta”or “acting black,” but i have to go through those stereotypes myself. Because i may speak articulately, some of my peers black and white perceive that to be “acting white,” which is something I never understood. i am separating myself from those elements. i just didnt know where to really look.
Initially, I was a bit irked by ENW’s comments because her question regarding how to meet suitable wm just made me tired. So I may have been too abrupt in my initial response to her and that’s why I’m elaborating here.
ENW, no need to apologize or explain and since you’re a new reader, you obviously don’t realize that this is an issue that I and most of the BWIR-BWE bloggers have been discussing for YEARS!!!! We’ve been trying to push AA women out there into the global village to do their fishing in the ocean to find a quality mate and construct their Living Well life–for YEARS. I KNOW I have. That’s been like a broken record for me.
I’ve personally been writing the SAME essay for 4 YEARS, saying the SAME thing!!!!!! LOL!
I’ve been saying for YEARS that AA women need to THINK totally differently and do things DRASTICALLY different and take advantage of ALL of their dating, mating, and other options in the entire global village and not give a blip what all of the tackheads might say. But some of you are so attuned to those tackheads. As you say, your black and white “friends” say you’re “acting white” because you have good diction. Guess what? Your chances of meeting and developing a committed relationship with a Quality wm or any Quality non-AA man while you’re “acting black” is next to ZERO. My ex-husband is a bm from another country and he would never have been interested in me, if I’d been one of those “acting black” creatures. However, I can tell from your note that it bothers you what the tackheads are saying.
However, you’re not alone. So many AA women are still playing it safe, staying close to home, playing by all of the staid, conservative, PREDICTABLE rules, clutching their “black card” tightly trying to keep the approval of tackheads and many folks in the black community and black social circle by holding out for a bm. Remember that as long as you’re predictable, you can be easily out-competed.
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but everything is NOT going to be ‘alright’ for most of you young AA women unless you do something DRASTICALLY different. Your “predictably waiting” strategy is not working, but you continue to use it.
African American women are in EXTINCTION mode. “Normal” rules that used to apply do NOT apply any longer. CREATIVITY is KING.
Rules of nature will not change in our lifetime. Females without protection WILL be preyed on, so you cannot afford to fritter away your resources.
I hope y’all have a few backup plans, just in case, as you get older. Also, from science, we know that “animals that travel in herds are safer.” Guess what? Humans are animals too. This is why I’m pitching the Intentional Community concept at AA women. Lots of AA women really need to form and participate in intentional communities for social, emotional, financial, and security reasons, plus others. Beware of people who are pushing y’all into polygamous relationships with AA men, but will try to make you believe that an Intentional Community that you and a group of other bw set up for yourselves to promote and protect your interests is a cult.
And keep in mind that in actual polygamy, the MAN financially supports his wives. In the AA version of polygamy that I’ve heard discussed, it’s the women who all work to support the MAN. Trust me that these AA men are not trying to round up a bunch of unskilled, unemployed women to financially support! LOL! Believe me. Those guys want women who can bring in some MONEY! So, this is NOT polygamy. This is just more use and abuse of AA women!! THINK! THINK! I first did a post in 2008 warning AA women about polygamy HERE.
I think that if I were a, let’s say, 20-something AA woman, I’d get or have my degree(s) first and I’d then work maybe 3 jobs for a year, live frugally, and save as much as possible. I’d then take off to another country. Being an American would be an advantage in some of those situations. I’d probably try to find a job as a teacher in another country though or work as a missionary or volunteer, if nothing else. In itself, that would just be a very broadening experience that would change your outlook on life in many ways if you stayed there for a year or two. And you might meet a wonderful man in the process, but even if you didn’t, you’d have wonderful memories, and that experience could lead you to various other ones–because you’d be a different person by the time you came back. By the time you came back, the tackheads that are so important now to so many younger AA women would be viewed more like throwbacks.
I guess I don’t understand what a typical AA woman feels she has to lose. I just don’t get it. I know it’s comfortable being accepted and embraced by the usual folks, but just look at the price you have to pay for that acceptance and comfort. They’ve virtually requiring y’all to dry us, ALONE.
You need to THINK differently and live your lives differently and think about YOUR interests FIRST AND FOREMOST. I’ve been screaming the alarm about this dire situation for AA women for 4 years because these numbers have been getting publicized for years! I think it’s finally dawning on a large number of AA women that what Evia has been squawking is true! I know I’ve been sounding like “Chicken Little” who warned that the sky was falling. LOL! It’s because I can see it so clearly and I can extrapolate!
So, as I explained in my initial response to you, I no longer post any comment from a bw where she sounds frustrated or sounds like she doesn’t know what to do because if any of you have been reading my site and the sites of other BWIR-BWE bloggers, you probably have read many times that so many AA women are in the grips of “learned helplessness.” It’s not that they can’t figure out what to do; they’re just used to someone else telling them exactly what to do and giving them permission to do it, and/or they fear their own intuition, hunches common sense because they fear that if they do something the “black” police has forbidden, they will get their “black card” yanked.
And in other cases, some AA women just cannot believe, don’t want to believe that the situation is as dire as it is.
So many AA women are suffocating in that tight corner and they’re not getting any younger. And that’s REAL.
So many AA women of all ages who are seeing their mating days and mating chances grow slimmer and dimmer are wondering today how they can get past the “black” police, and love and be loved by a non-AA man while keeping their “black” card, which means keep their “acting black” friends, family members, and other blacks in their church, their community, black homeless people and other black strangers on the street from accusing them of “acting white.” LOL!
I have a AA man friend who used to be my accountant. He still gives me good financial advice and then the convo usually veers to my Ezine and my marriage to Darren. He tells me all of the time that every bw he knows tells him that she would NEVER date a wm. YET, most single bw I know these days tell me that they would date a wm and they want to know whether Darren has any single brothers. Anyway, I was talking with this guy on the phone last week when he brought up how “unique” I am to have married a wm. What he meant was that I’m “unpredictable.” “Unique” is a synonym for “UNPREDICTABLE.” I told him about the increasing percentage of bw-wm marriages 6.5 % (not counting the ones that will pop up in the 2010 Census) and growing and that just about ALL of those bw he talks with are LYING to him.
He refused to believe that they’re lying to keep their “black” card, but I know that they know how insecure he feels–just like I do, and they certainly wouldn’t want him to mention to anyone else in that small community that they’re interested in dating wm–because he WOULD mention it. They also lie to make him– da po’ bm–feel like there’ s no other man who can compete with a swaggering AA man. LOL!
Anyway, he became irate at that point and actually mentioned the “natural” rhythm that a bm just “naturally” has.
Wow! I couldn’t believe he went there. So I had to tell him that AA men really need to try to think with that head above their neck some of the time and that SOME men in ALL groups have rhythm and “SKILLS” and some do NOT, including bm and to stop with that MYTH about this supposed superiority of the bm magical genitals as if a woman like me was born yesterday. I pointed out how it was racist wm who created this myth of the bm’s monstrous/magical genitals in order to depict the bm as animalistically as possible and NOW bm have grabbed desperately to that racist myth and run around waving these supposed monster/magical genitals at women, whether they have anything much to wave or not, and whether they have any skills or not.
He really started shouting then, so I told him I wasn’t enjoying the chat anymore since he was out of control and was about to hang up. He calmed down then but I told him I’m not going to talk about IRs with him ever again. He then told me that he doesn’t have anything against IRs because his wife’s teen son is dating a white girl. LOL! No, he doesn’t have a problem with that, but he certainly has a problem with bw with wm. So, this is one reason why so many AA women are fearful of publicizing their interest in possibly dating wm or even any white-skinned men. They can’t push those insecure mugs like him aside and come out of that corner!
So, ENW, I know you may not believe me, but any black person who would deny you the normal woman’s desire to love and to be loved by a loving and lovable quality man who will commit to her, marry her, is a person who is NO VALUE to you. If any person around you even hints to you that you should not mingle with quality loving and lovable men of any and all skin shades, that person is a NO VALUE person to you.
BW–once again, let me offer a yardstick to measure a person’s value to you. If you use this gauge, you won’t waste your time, energy, resources on useless others. An AA woman CANNOT afford to spend more than a minute of her time or other valuable resources with anyone who is of No Value to her. As soon as you’re an adult, cut them loose.
But remember that everybody IS useful or valuable to somebody–just not YOU. For ex., a heroin dealer is valuable to the heroin addict since the dealer supplies a necessary drug, but a heroin dealer is NOT valuable to me–AT ALL and is actually of MV–a minus value. Unless, you are a Mother Theresa type or a deity, YOU must always look at others in terms of the SUM TOTAL of value that individual adds to YOUR life. If AA women were to use this gauge, they would be so much better off instead of giving, giving, giving to others of virtually no value to them who don’t reciprocate anywhere near what they receive.
Keep in mind that so many AA women are listed in the poorest demographic in this country–NOT because they don’t work hard and not because they haven’t paid their dues, but because of what they give away or allow others to get from them FOR CHEAP. I give too, but I INSIST (not loudly and crudely) on reciprocation, and if I don’t get it, I SHOW others with my actions that they won’t be getting anything more from me.
Anyway, I first detailed this People Value Scale about 2 years ago. I pointed out that there are the:
1. SVs–-the Super Valuable people to you; the HEROES in your life because they put constant effort into uplifting you. They keep you glowing or at least humming. In my life, some of these people include my husband, Darren, my sons, a few of my male and female relatives, my sisterfriends, and a few of my friends. Not many people, but I’m blessed to have them.
2. Vs–the Valuable people to you; All of the above individuals PLUS other individuals who are supportive and helpful to me some of the time. They can USUALLY be counted on to “be there” for me when I need or want something, or support of some kind.
3. LVs–those of Little Value to you; Every then and now, they might do something helpful. Be thankful for what they do, but don’t invest much at all in them.
4. NVs– those of NO Value to you. These people are too numerous to mention.They are the ZEROS in your life. They bring NOTHING. MOST people are in this category in relation to each of us, but some of those around us are ACTIVE NVs. These Active NVs are of No Value to us ON PURPOSE. Some other NVs are passive NVs. The passive NVS are usually of no value out of necessity because each of us can only be SVs and Vs to a limited number of people. HOWEVER, there are many people in the ACTIVE NV category–who surround a typical AA woman who are draining her, using and abusing her, and absolutely refuse on principle to make any effort to reciprocate–even when it’s easy for them to do so. They are the parasites, and you don’t really feel good around these people. On some level, you know they’re not good for you, but they need you, so they never leave you alone.
I’ll bet every AA woman reading this can identify some of these in her life. Just think of those people who you don’t really feel good or comfortable with, but they’re constantly around you, for some reason, or may consider y’all to be friends or “close.”
5. MVs–those of Minus Value; these are the malicious folks who make it a point to poison you emotionally and spiritually whenever they get a chance. They drain or kill your spirit and bring you low in all kinds of ways and in some scenarios, these folks will actually try or succeed at seriously harming you and yours, physically–in some cases.
There is overlapping in 1 & 2 above and the same goes for 3 & 4 & 5.
However, ENW, many black women have LEARNED how to be “helpless” because of their fear of displeasing the LVs, the NVs, and MVs. Does that make any sense? No one who is an SV or a V to you would accuse you of “acting white” simply because you have good diction or date wm. I know you may think these are your friends, but they’re not. And those white friends, for sure, do NOT go around other whites “acting black” unless they’re putting on an act in a skit or mocking black folks. Yeah, young whites might try that persona on like a costume, but they know how and when to take it off.
There are young whites in Darren’s family who listened to hardcore rap music, but they still went on to college and majored in the so-called “hard” sciences, got married, and one of his nephews who used to listen to gangsta rap all of the time is now getting a doctorate in mathematics at a highly rated university. I think he was given a full scholarship to attend, so while he was listening to that gangsta rap, he was still getting very good grades. Contrast that to the typical AA man who’s plugged into the hip hop scene. Yet, I hear AA men talk and almost brag about how so many whites bought/buy rap music. Trust me, the bulk of these white youth look at a lot of gangsta rap and such as pure nig#a sh$t. It’s just a phase for them–just like being a hippie was for many of the “flower children” of the 1960s and ’70s.
My point here is that your REAL friends try to help you to be the best YOU can be. People who actually care about you want you to be happy–not to keep them happy at your expense. These friends of yours are mostly concerned about how you may be perceived by the “acting black crew” and how the way you talk may reflect on them because one of the ABCs might ask one of them, “Why are you hanging out with that black girl who’s “acting white'”?
So I don’t post comments that reflect “learned helplessness.” I know that whenever SOME of my readers read or hear another bw sound as if she is helpless, frustrated, and sound like she doesn’t know what to do, it reinforces that learned helplessness and causes the helplessness they’ve learned to flare up.
Learned helplessness is contagious. It’s an epidemic. There are entire communities of blacks in this country who are totally afflicted with “learned helplessness” they’ve caught from other blacks around them. Therefore, after other bw read that type of comment from you, it triggers the lessons they’ve learned regarding being helpless and I then get a bunch of comments from these other bw where they will proclaim they’re helpless too.
If you really think about it, I KNOW you can figure out how to meet the type of men you want to meet because–and please don’t take this the wrong way, those men are NOT hiding. SOME of them will be at the Jazz Festival in the South of France this summer that my girlfriend told me about yesterday, and some of them will be at the Jazz Festival in Montreal at the end of this month and at many other events. It’s VERY easy to find out about these and many other events online.
So, your question is not actually what you asked. We’ve already covered the numerous ways to meet wm many times in the last 4 years here and on various sites, so I’d suggest you read back on my site and others. My books also cover that and they are for sale.
If I’m understanding your question about wanting to know about a person’s background correctly–of course, it’s not wrong to want to know about a person’s background, but you should avoid asking people blunt personal questions. That is considered crude. You usually ask a person about their background in an indirect or subtle way because people become offended if you try to interrogate them. That’s a social faux pas. Also, the really harmful folks will know how to answer those blunt questions smoothly to throw you off track. But to be safe, you should find out as much as you can before meeting any strange person, and always meet them in a highly public place the first time, no matter what.
_________________________________________________
A Note from S, a bw:–DEAS Question # 9 – THANK YOU to all who support the “Dear Evia Advice System (DEAS).”
[BTW Readers:
1. If you would like to receive the response I sent S, please deposit $2.95 in my Tipjar located at the top lefthand sidebar.
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4. For the PODCAST “His Money, Her Money, Their VALUES–The Importance of Money and Similar Values in a Successful Relationship,” the cost is $5.95.]
“Dear Evia,
In my family, there are NO other women that would have provided the information and wisdom that I have read on your site. Thank you.
I’ve been following your site for about 2 years now and consider the information I’ve been exposed to live saving. I am 28 and at a crossroads in my life. On your site you have mentioned several times that it is important for young bw to vet potential partners in their early 20’s, so that by the time they are 25-28, marriage is an option.
I wish I had discovered your site earlier, but I didn’t. The last two years have been about me being de-programmed from a lot of mule-like behaviors. So here I am at 28, wondering if I have potentially missed the boat in dating?
Honestly, I’m one of those black women, who you’ve mentioned on your site that DOES NOT have a safety net. I want to go to grad school and start my own business, but worry that If I don’t begin to build a support system now, it will forever impact the quality of my life. I DO NOT want to become one of those bw who is juggling everything alone with no support system.
I also don’t want to end up 40 and bitter because I was singing the black woman’s mantra about doing it all myself and didn’t take the time to really go after things that were important to me like, a relationship with a quality mate. The ABCs and the bc have told me that “I have plenty of time” to date. I know better than to listen to them.
Please share your opinion with me about how I should proceed.
Signed, S
Thanks for keeping it real!”
These BW who are having internal struggles (due to this ridiculous “black card” NONSENSE) about the decision to date, marry, and procreate with Quality men in the global village who are on the top of the food chain in all ways need to ask themselves some serious questions.
Would they consider being with a man who was so weak that they cared about what stupid, inferior, scared, and dimwitted supremacist thought?
Well, that’s EXACTLY what BW interested in Quality men and Quality lives are doing when they care about the so-called “black police”.LOL ABC’s – the bottom of the barrel – “policing” someone. That’s a joke. Some of these characters can’t keep THEMSELVES (and or their loved ones) out of jail and they’re going to “police” someone else?ROFLMAO
These fools are NOTHING, about NOTHING, and can provide BW with (and often themselves) NOTHING. Period. End of story.
Therefor they are basically worthless. Along with their thoughts.
These ABC fools are the equivalent of the Klan and other white supremacist groups in their thinking. And they are in an even worse position because unlike the racist white crazies, the ABC’s don’t have white skin privilege. So they truly don’t have any power.
The ONLY power the ABC’s have over BW is the power BW LET them have.
BW can take that power away INSTANTLY by changing three things. Their mindsets, behavior, and environment.
What ABC’s do or don’t do, say or don’t say, think or don’t think, doesn’t effect me and COUNTLESS other BW because they don’t hold any place in our minds, hearts, or inner circle.
If BW TRULY want to meet and marry Quality men, they are going to have to CEASE ASAP even thinking about what NON Quality men, and women, regardless of “race” think about ANYTHING. Especially something important like relationships and marriage.
They are also going to have to cease interacting with folks with the oppressive and ignorant ABC mentality. Because they haters will always try to sabotage any attempt at escape. These losers want to drag BW down with them. Because the higher BW rise the lower and more inferior they feel.
Misery loves company and the ABC’s don’t want to wallow in their inferiority and lowly position alone.
That’s why BW interested in Quality men and Quality futures need to SEPARATE themselves form the madness NOW.
Detox themselves if need be and MOVE ON.
It’s ALSO common sense that it is impossible to achieve something good (marriage to a Quality man) when you’re focusing on something bad (what damaged, insignificant, powerless ABC’s think).
On the bright side – and we HAVE to stay focused on the BRIGHT side – attractive, confident, intelligent, and non conflicted BW of all ages are increasingly marrying Quality men in the global village.
And with repeated exposure to our marriages and families, the “wow” factor will decrease as eventually will be considered a part of the mainstream. Just like WM/AW couples don’t raise an eyebrow in most parts these days.
It will take time, but as more BW wake up (and more are) and start choosing Quality over “race” considerations, society has no choice but to accept the changed (for the better) landscape.
How about Quebec? Montreal or Quebec City would do in a pinch. Yes, I know you said in US, but it’s practically next door and still exotic enough.
For a short trip, I like Newport for a few days and then Providence is less than an hour away. Newport has beaches, good food and the mansions to visit and lovely, historic B&Bs. Providence has Brown to tour (I love pretty campuses because I am a geek and the president of Brown is a bw) and RISD, and great food, too.
Evia, I continue to be amazed by the women who write you for advice. It’s clear from them, and from women I’ve met online from the BWE blogs, that bw are still not being given the information that most other women are to LIVE WELL. It pisses me off that black women are not being told to datedatedate the rainbow while in college, that we are being STILL told that wm will use us for sex and discard us and never bring us home, that bm colorism is all in our heads, that there are “good black men out there” and we should hunt and peck to find them just because they are black. It’s all lies.
I used to think you were being a tad hyperbolic when you’d write headlines like “Run Like Crazy to Escape” and talked about folks trying to prevent black women from “escaping” the DBR enclaves, but you are totally right! Once the DBRs lose the bw who get it, they are done for, and so they are fighting and clawing to keep us tethered and afraid to venture out. That’s how I know these ABC ‘communities’ are bastions of indoctrination, fear, anti-intellectualism and low expectations.
Since my black card was snatched away in elementary school, it has astounded me what too many black women will do to retain theirs, and to their own detriment. They will become obese to have a “phat azz”, wear tacky hair weaves to avoid being called nappy, spend they don’t have to wear tacky fake nails, avoid swimming and beaches to avoid messing up the weaves and getting “too dark”, use atrocious grammar and syntax to avoid being called “white girl”, have babies by men who will never marry them to be a “ride or die chick”, avoid getting an education because that would be “bougie” and on and on. These “acting black” behaviors have no value outside the ABC/DBR enclaves and way less value for women. No decent man of any race wants a “ghetto fab hood chick” not even the ghetto fab hood males!
I am not saying I made all the right choices because I definitely haven’t. I have debt, I dated my share of bums, I cried over men who weren’t worth it. But I DO know that my day to day life is a heck of a lot better than many, many black women’s. I always pay attention when I see black women ages 15-80 out, and too many look sad, worn down, and alone, because they did not know to demand reciprocity. Have any of you ever read the classic children’s book “The Giving Tree”?
I enjoy my life. I like my job. I get taken out to dinner on a regular basis. I have a 401K. I’ve been to 3 countries in Europe. If I need to borrow a small or large sum of cash, I could. I have people to call if my tire gets a flat, etc. I have good blood pressure. I can run a mile. I feel like I have a bright future and many options. For the most part, it’s good to be me, because the people who surround me are good to me and of value to me. I simply limit as much as I can being around those who do not reciprocate and make my life better in some way.
Best of luck to S!
@ Evia:
New Orleans is still New Orleans and we are open for business.
To Evia:
You just missed the Greek Festival and the food, OMG. Every July 4th weekend the Essence Music Festival is held in the superdome and there are various lectures being held at the Morial Convention Center. The lectures are free to the public. LOL, the world could be coming to an end we will find a way to celebrate.
http://www.louisianatravel.com/?CMP=EMC-louisiana0610
Laissez les bons temps rouler.
IMO, bw should date out simply because the economy of America has changed. A good majority of the wealth in this country is in the hands of other race men, I bet the majority of other race women knew that. Do not be so quick to discount a man simply because he has an accent.
This is really strange. Shayna looks very much like my niece Amy, who is half Mexican. Shayna is a bit darker, but just as pretty. She just had a baby and the father is black. They just got engaged.
Also, my wife is addicted to a TV show on the Home & Garden channel titled “Say Yes To the Dress” about girls going to a very exclusive wedding dress shop in NYC where a wedding gown sells for $3,000 to $60,000 dollars. They’re all one of a kind. My wife commented about the number of BW who are marrying WM (with good financial assets). My wife used to be a little prejudice when I married her, but when she sees how happy these people are together, she cries and says “Its time.” I’m proud of how she’s changed over the years we’ve been married. My wife always told me that her mother had a saying that “Its just as easy to fall in love with a rich man as a poor one. I think a lot of BW out there should remember that saying!
JJinPA
Another place that she might want to meet men is the US Open held in September in NYC. I went there with a highly successful black man and I was looking around and there were several black women there with white men. I thought to myself that I would definitely return there with girlfriends once he messed up and he did and I will be attending the US Open this year
Thanks,everyone, for the part 2 vacation ideas, and Ann, I’ll keep New Orleans in mind for maybe this winter! The time we went before, it was in December and we LOVED it!
___________________________
@ E re:
Evia, I continue to be amazed by the women who write you for advice. It’s clear from them, and from women I’ve met online from the BWE blogs, that bw are still not being given the information that most other women are to LIVE WELL. It pisses me off that black women are not being told to datedatedate the rainbow
Yep, it IS amazing and what floors me the most is the “timid” flavor of the questions. It’s as if some of them are afraid to even ask the question, and they ARE afraid because they know the penalty from the “black” police for trying to “escape.” They need to give these ‘police’ the finger (mentally) and keep on stepping. The ‘black’ police cannot even FEED themselves; they have NO power.
The way I’ve always looked at it is that the bulk of AAs need me and need to take notes from me and other bw like me much more than I or we will ever need them because I have equipped myself to make a high grade anywhere in the world and I’ve PROVEN that I can do it; the bulk of AAs cannot and have not proven that. The overwhelming bulk of AAs do not know which end is up and that’s not hyperbole. Just look at what so many of them do to themselves!
I URGE AA women this morning to equip YOURSELF to make the high grade anywhere in the world. Knowing that you can compete well no matter where you may land is a major fearbuster!
When I started blogging, I was shocked at the amount of fear that some AA women have of those “black” police. It was that fear that I sense in other AA women that keeps me blogging. Maybe one day I’ll be able to find the words to make it plain to typical AA women that they have nothing to fear. Bw are the meal ticket for the black police and the rest of the bc. That’s the irony of it. YET, it’s as if so many of the women are asking someone else for permission to breathe.
re:
we are being STILL told that wm will use us for sex and discard us and never bring us home, that bm colorism is all in our heads, that there are “good black men out there” and we should hunt and peck to find them just because they are black. It’s all lies.
Yes, but AA women need to COMPLETELY stop looking back, stop even thinking about the LIES. That should be yesterday’s trash. Instead, 90% of the focus TODAY should be on looking ahead and figuring out the wide variety of ‘WAYS & MEANS’ to move on and Live Well.
And about this “acting black” and “acting white” stuff, the fact is that non-AAs do NOT want to be around the ABCs. They just tolerate them to get whatever they can from them and/or to not be attacked by them. So, it’s mindboggling to me when bw who want to get away from that madness are concerned about whether ANYONE will accuse them of “acting white.”
AA women needs to talk, walk, dress, and otherwise conduct themselves the way NORMAL, REGULAR middle class women in ALL functioning groups and cultures behave. I’m NOT talking about money here; I’m talking about CLASS. And if some AA women don’t already know how to do that, they need to watch and take notes.
The bottom line is that the type of Quality non-bm that many AA woman say they want does NOT–I repeat–does NOT want an “acting black” creature for a girlfriend or wife! So why would ANY bw who wants to date out even be concerned about whether anyone thinks she’s “acting white?” Geez!
It’s a matter of acting NORMAL. If you go into the interior of Nigeria, for ex. into the rural villages, you will see every African woman and man there acting the way most ABCs would consider as “acting white.” There are billions of people in the world and most of them have never mingled with white people, have only seen pictures of whites or only glimpsed them from a distance, but these people still behave in a NORMAL way, the way many of the ABCs would label as “acting white.” SMH
I used to think you were being a tad hyperbolic when you’d write headlines like “Run Like Crazy to Escape” and talked about folks trying to prevent black women from “escaping” the DBR enclaves, but you are totally right!
LOL! Rest assured that you were not alone! I’ve been called a cult leader, an extremist and much worse, but as more and more AA women take their last gasp, a LOT of them are going to wish that there were hundreds of thousands of Evias screaming FIRE!!!before it was too late for them.
I was talking with an AA woman about a month ago who was repeatedly raped by a DBR man in her neighborhood when she was 12. These rapes went on for a long time. She said she couldn’t understand why this man always wanted to “pee” on her. She was such a child until she couldn’t understand until years later that he was ejaculating. She said she can still remember the ‘flood of pee’ going all up her back and she wondered why he didn’t just go to the bathroom like other boys and men. She said that as she would lay there waiting for him to finish, she wondered why he wanted to use her as his toilet. She said she always had to scrub the “sticky” pee off later because she didn’t want to smell like pee. She still wonders why someone didn’t warn her and protect her.
This woman reads my essays. She said she wishes there were many more of me out there doing what I do.
There are plenty of young AA women laying up in hospital beds this morning wondering, wondering why someone didn’t warn them, didn’t protect them. I wonder too why there aren’t hundreds of thousands of Evias screaming “FIRE–Get out while you can!”
___________________
@ JJinPa — Yes, a lot of people of different “races” look a lot like each other because race is a construct.
I personally would not want to spend more than a minute with anyone who truly believes and admits that s/he believes there are different “races” of people because that person is holding onto that fake concept for a personal reason that is most likely not going be beneficial to him, her, or me.
The only reason that most whites hang onto the notion of race is because it benefits them. If “white” carried no privileges, the typical white person would no longer care about being white and would soon stop identifying themselves as such.
_____________________
@Kara–Great idea!
As of 2008, 9% of Black women and 22% of Black men were interacially married according to the Pew poll:
http://pewsocialtrends.org/pubs/755/trends-attitudes-interracial-interethnic-marriage
Black women are slowly but surely getting the message — Black men are moving on and BW need to do the same.
hey evia,
if you end up at MV, check ahead and see if you’ll be there during any of the wampanoag tribe festivals/events. primo example of a cultural flavor experience you might really enjoy! and if you want to shop, you’ll have the opportunity to chat with like-minded crafts people/merchants about their works.
I truly believe that more bw are waking up to opening their hearts to other races of men. I’m seeing this time and time again in the comment sections such as the latest one you posted Evia. But not only should bw open their hearts they have to change their settings as well. They HAVE TO STOP going to all black settings and start looking up small concerts/festivals. I’ve noticed a lot in all black settings that their are almost 3x’s more women, than there are men, and usually they are hugged up w/ a lot of women. Avoid those places at all cost, unless it’s your family reunion.
Today I started to post up flirting/dating tips every friday on my YT channel so that bw can start heading out and flirting with men. They are simple and easy, anyone can do it. I choose to do this on friday’s because that’s when most people tend to go out for the weekend as opposed to the week days.
I’m trying to do my part to help bw. We can talk about opening our hearts all day, but we have to start taking action when it comes to our love lives.
I am so thankful that I am learning these things now in my early 20’s as opposed to my late 40’s (no offense to anyone). The only advice the bc offered me as far as dating was to wait and pray. That DID NOT WORK!! it wasn’t until I started to read your blog and many others that this wait and pray thing is useless! It’s a lot more fun to go out and flirt.
Hi Evia. I haven’t ‘spoken’ to you on here in a while but as usual I’m always reading what you say and I follow it! A lot of BW should pick up Atlas Shrugged because they would DEFINITELY be able to see themselves and see their ways in the character called Hank Rearden. But at least that character learned his lesson before it was too late!
Thank You Sky!!!
Take it from me ladies..I am happily married ..and let me tell you if I could have found THIS KIND OF HAPPINESS in my 20’s..and had taken advantage of my child bearing years…I won’t ever say I have many regrets… But this one thing about “waiting and praying” ..if I could go around and whisper into all those single ladies ears at ALL those single retreats and such that that waitin’ and prayin stuff is just a bunch of indoctrination, I would be a happy single woman avenger!!! Smile.
For now all I can say is if your in your 20’s,30’s get out date enjoy your life get your education meet and marry on YOUR LEVEL OR HIGHER..have some kids and keep living well. Love the Lord and be happy!!!
Evia,
You have mentioned several times in your essays about the “Intentional Community” that you are spearheading. I would for one be very very interested in joining such a community of like minded women and men.
Could you share some more specifics about such a community. Would the communities be grass root efforts to spring up in different states..or would this be an online community.
Either way I would like more information, and how to start such a community. Thanks
Evia,
I’m interested in your “Intentional Community” too. Tell us more.
JJinPA
[I omitted this blogger’s name since I don’t allow my site to be used to directly or indirectly (as I’m assuming is the case with your post) hit at AA women by malicious others. At any rate, the issue is whether the situation of bw in the U.S. is really an “imaginary” one and whether it’s AA women’s fault. Actually, I agree but not for the reason this malicious person says. I haven’t read that site and I won’t. I can just imagine what is said there. I’ll respond more to your comment later, but for now, I’ll say what I’ve always said: There is NO shortage of quality men in the global village who are interested in the typical upwardly mobile AA woman.]
Hi Evia you have so much info it will take me months to finish read it. You should check out ________’s blog, in ______ latest post, _______ questions why black women have these “imaginary” issues and how it is all our fault. thanx for blogs like yours I know I am not alone in my thinking.
@MsMellody and JJinPA re Intentional Communities–
As for your questions, this is what I write about in my Intentional Community (IC) newsletter. LOL! It wouldn’t be fair to the folks who pay to subscribe to that newsletter for me to publish the info here for free.
I will say this. I came up with an idea for a tailor-made IC about 15 years ago, and I and some other like minded folks were able to implement it in another state. It had glitches, but overall, it was quite successful. I still have some of the relationships I formed with some of those folks.
As I said in the essay, I think ICs could meet many of the needs of single AND married AA women and others for REAL relationships with people who understand the value of reciprocal relationships and don’t have a problem giving and receiving inside of a working system.
Evia,
I just looked at [Asian guy’s] website and I don’t think it’s the best place for black women. It is a Pick Up Artist site filled with Asian men who are completely obsessed with white women. There was even a very graphic pornographic picture posted in one of the topics and some of the language is coarse and disrespectful. Asian men calling women chicks, b!tches and talking incessantly about scoring the “p” and “the game”, is just as bad a DBRBM doing it. In fact, in some ways, it seems like a DBRBM site, only it is Asian men populating it. Just wanted to give a heads up about what the site was like.
Evia, thank you for your most recent post about the “hook-up” culture. I really appreciate you quickly addressing this issue. I want to add the following comment so that maybe other young women or even women over 35 can stop allowing men to do this type of “hooking-up” with them.
I allowed myself to believe that I was not capable of having anything other than a “hook-up” back in my earliest of dating days. This was a formative time for me and it’s only as a result of having my esteem for myself hit rock bottom and finding help to recover and then finally moving into a loving respectful relationship and marriage was I able to look back and see how very wounded and twisted I had become.
The hook-ups allow men to feel justified in just hooking-up with women because – you guessed it – WOMEN ALLOW IT!!!
I can only speak for myself in this reflective moment. When I look back at those formative dating years and had only taken my many female relatives’ advice and stuck to my guns..not allowed men to use me..I would never have experienced some of those deep emotional wounds and could have allowed my mind and spirit to fully appreciate myself exactly as I am and would have on a spiritual level moved into a realm of attracting the life that I am living right now!!
What I am trying to say is..I could have skipped over some of those wounds and avoided the pain, if I could have only appreciated and loved and respected myself. But I didnt and I take responsibility for that now. I can look back and see where my mindset was so very very wrong. I love myself now – but back in my 20’s and early 30’s – that wasn’t the case. I couldnt see past my easily fixable flaws..I just had not reached inside of me and found out who I really am. I took the time to re-evaluate, achieve some personally important goals, moved out of the bc..disconnected from the imaginary “black police” in my family and decided to live my happiness!! I decided to live MY happiness. I found out what made me happy and followed from there. And if I could shout it out to you ..”I have NEVER EVER regretted finding out what made me happy and moving into THAT light”. I didnt give a darn about what people said about me from then on, because it was only me and my God I had to answer to.
So ladies please do not allow a man to use you for empty sex – just so you can say “I gotta man”..believe me it’s not worth your self respect and all the deep hurt.
@MsMellody re:
I allowed myself to believe that I was not capable of having anything other than a “hook-up” back in my earliest of dating days. This was a formative time for me and it’s only as a result of having my esteem for myself hit rock bottom and finding help to recover and then finally moving into a loving respectful relationship and marriage was I able to look back and see how very wounded and twisted I had become.
The hook-ups allow men to feel justified in just hooking-up with women because – you guessed it – WOMEN ALLOW IT!!!
THANK you MsMellody for speaking plainly about this because this is a very bad situation for the hundreds of thousands of wounded women of all groups walking around out there. I’ve spoken with many of these women afterwards and I cringed even listening to them talk about how they were used.
Yet, 95% of men I’ve talked with (including the bulk of my male relatives) will argue and say that the women like being used as semen dumps!! I’ve noticed that many men are vehement about that. They don’t want to hear otherwise.
And make no mistake about it, MANY of those women KNOW when they’re engaging in recreational sex that they’re being used.
The ones I’ve talked with didn’t even enjoy the sex act with the man because many women emotionally have to trust a man a lot to really enjoy sex with him. This is the way most women in the world are wired. Like you said, many of them just think that’s what they have to do to get a man or to keep a man’s attention. Or they blot out the fact that they’re allowing strange men to dump his semen in them because many of these men ARE strange men to these women.
Many of these young women think that the hookup culture is ALL there is and they allow the men to call the shots.
This is one of the reasons why I talk about my relationships with men (black and white) who respected me and desired an ordinary looking woman like me to the extent that they didn’t INSIST on sex with me or give me ultimatums. They were willing to wait for sex, until I was ready.
I found it so funny though that one guy accused me recently of trying to teach bw to “withhold sex” like he said ww do. This flies in the face of what I’ve always heard bm say, that ww give up sex fast unlike “cold” bw or so they call bw. LOL! Of course, I know that some men play different groups of women against each other. This is why you’ll never catch me hating on any woman–because I know who is going to gain the most from that. Unfortunately some women dislike other women so much until they are easily played by men.
To Anj?:
I thank you for your comments about that particular site. However, my interest was only in the article about am/bw. IMHO, the ARTICLE did promote am/bw relationships and not
“hooking up” type of relationships.
@ Evia in regards to what you spoke:
However, even if you do lose weight and are not a baby mama and never mention your education to an AA man, and even if you have the demeanor of a “Stepford Wife,” and yadda-yadda, there is a very high probability that the AA man you may be dating will never ask you to marry him. That’s the probability. Look at the stats!!
This is true and I have seen it time and time again in the lives of bw’s I have worked with. Many times if these AA men are with a BW, they are using her for what they need (easy sex, support, money,place to live, etc.) and they are saving up for the woman they WANT and it is not the woman/women they are using. A Male friend of mine told me that a guy usually knows within the first or first few encounters with a woman if he sees her as someone he wants to marry or not.
Good call on taking down the Asian Playboy from your blog. I’m an Asian man, and I totally appreciate the fact that you are encouraging women to maintain high standards by seeking marriage with honest men, rather than casual hook-ups with scam artists. Good women of all races deserve much more than just a hook-up. There’s much more to life.
Props to you for your leadership, Evia!
That is so true Evia..the men do indeed play 1 group of women against another. With the man/”carrot” being the ultimate prize so to speak!!! LOL
I thank you for having a marriage promoting site like this. My post of yesterday really meant a lot to me. Because of where I am at in my own personal life, personal growth and marriage I can finally turn around briefly address what I was honestly allowing into my life, grieve over that loss/damage, let it go and move on.
I feel that that is REALLY what just about every woman who comes to this site needs to do, or is in the process of doing. Assessing, accepting responsibility, finding new tools..and finally moving on.
Thanks again Evia..and on to the beautiful wedding photos in the above post!! How beautiful BOTH brides are in their gowns, it is just so uplifting to look and see bw making successful moves in their lives like this. Marrying out, moving on and loving life!
[Carolyn, I deleted the rest of your comment because it only took me a second to realize that it belongs in DBRLand. Not here. I do believe that as society collapses, there will be a place called DBR-Land and that’s where all of the DBRs will be shoved. LOL!]
Hi Evia,
I have been reading your blogs for a while now and love them. . . .
I do believe that as society collapses, there will be a place called DBR-Land and that’s where all of the DBRs will be shoved. LOL!]
Evia
I thought that was called the black community? lol. =P
@S. Greene re:
This is true and I have seen it time and time again in the lives of bw’s I have worked with. Many times if these AA men are with a BW, they are using her for what they need (easy sex, support, money,place to live, etc.) and they are saving up for the woman they WANT and it is not the woman/women they are using. A Male friend of mine told me that a guy usually knows within the first or first few encounters with a woman if he sees her as someone he wants to marry or not.
I tell ya–the person who can find the words to convince AA women to stop allowing AA men to use and abuse them will deserve the Nobel Prize. LOL!
And I honestly wish other bw who have “been there” would start blogs talking about it because they can understand it emotionally. I can understand it intellectually, but not emotionally. I am not wired to treat anyone better than they treat me. So I can’t imagine allowing a NV or LV man to hang around me for more than a minute. Like I said, I can understand it intellectually and talk the talk about it, but emotionally I can’t see what’s in it for the woman. I would quickly lose interest in him.
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@BigWowo re:
Good call on taking down the Asian Playboy from your blog. I’m an Asian man, and I totally appreciate the fact that you are encouraging women to maintain high standards by seeking marriage with honest men, rather than casual hook-ups with scam artists. Good women of all races deserve much more than just a hook-up. There’s much more to life.
Welcome! And thank you! Many bw ARE interested in Asian guys. They like the way you look, your seemingly easygoing nature, and they like the way you approach life with purpose and take care of your responsibilities. Also, it seems to me that Asian guys might be lighthearted and fun to be with and very interesting to talk with and be around. Unfortunately, when I was around Asian guys in college, none of then ever asked me out. I’m still mad at y’all. LOL! Guess I wasn’t their type or maybe they’d been taught to stay away from bw. Also, I’m sure some of them were shy.
I would like for Asian men to know that some bw may seem unapproachable, but many of those black women are hoping that y’all will step on up. I know that some bw come across as being aggressive but trust me on this–MOST of those women are just bluster and they are WOMEN. They are very interested in Quality men who approach them in a respectful way and Asian men are generally viewed by typical AA women as Quality men. At this point, your reputation is squeaky clean with us. LOL! So an Asian man already has a lot going for him when he approaches a bw.
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@MsMellody re:
My post of yesterday really meant a lot to me. Because of where I am at in my own personal life, personal growth and marriage I can finally turn around briefly address what I was honestly allowing into my life, grieve over that loss/damage, let it go and move on.
It’s a blessing and a RELIEF to finally learn a lesson and then move on, isn’t it? Learning a lesson is so valuable!! Just think of all of the bw who are still stuck where you were and allowing others to use them. Some of them will sadly be stuck there forever.
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@Sky–Yeah, LOL! ITA, except that the DBRs are also roaming freely among the rest of us now, masquerading as normal people. But many of them are causing so much havoc until they WILL be contained at some point. And whereas, the general white community will clamp down fast on white DBRs, NO ONE at this point touches the black DBRS for fear of being accused of racism or just plain old fear. But all shut eyes ain’t sleep.
The fact is that many black middle class folks (on the basis of education and income) are ABCs these days and some of them are straight up DBRs. Middle class money does NOT = middle class VALUES.
New posters? Anj and BigWOwo and the latter name just happens to be the name of the site in question. You two or one are not about to stop am/bw relationships.
Re: Atlas Shrugged. Great book that’s considered very subversive. I like the idea of their secret society i.e an Intentional Community they wanted to form to get away when the gov’t got too oppressive. It’s definitely something black women should do, but most will simply wait…and wait. The other apsect is the book is very intense and more than 1100 pages. Maybe because I was trying to read it in 3 days so I could write a essay (FYI the Ayn Rand foundation offers a yearly award with a $5000 top prize) but it required a certain amount of processing akin to recognizing and rejecting indoctrination.
Re: Asian Male site. I think this was a case of taking what was useful and tossing the rest. After all I blogged about a racist white male who had asked why black women stayed tied to DBRs and he nailed the behavior.
It only shows that EVERYONE NOTICES HOW POORLY BLACK MALES BEHAVE but as long as black women allow it, it will continue.
Re: Emotional vs Intellectual Ties
I’ll just mention one other thing. A male rapper (which right there tells you ALL you need to know) wrote a disparaging article in a magazine -big surprise, right? The number of BW going back & forth over it – even when they were “complaining” only shows how tied they are to these racio-misogynistic males.
There was a black male commentator who wrote an open letter to pushback against it and so many BW are praising it. I’m not because while it was a factually intellectual rebuttal I found it to be weak.
It was nothing like the response a veteran WH reporter who was forced to retire received for being critical of the Israeli gov’t for example.
Some would like to use that one tepid response as evidence of black princes but I beg to differ. My point is for anyone who is still reading, agreeing but not emotionally connecting that your best course of action is to MOVE ON. It may never “click” for you and time’s being wasted!
That sounds so obvious but until I personally saw the foul behavior of a few “good” black males last summer it didn’t hit me that we as thrivers would be best to write off the whole lot of AA black males as a collective FIRST and then if some individuals have been vetted and REVETTED to not be part of or supportive of the DBR tribe THEN contact is fine.
Yet, simply making a few statements about the status of black women will easily reveal most of them to be sorely lacking any inner reflection or change. It’s “sad” from the perspective of assuming people who look like you would be normal-acting and you could simply go about your life with its basic ebbs and flows, but we have to be on guard for the obstructionists and the guard dogs. That includes the numerous black women supporters of the DBRs against other black women. They are more interested in getting a pat on the head for taking one for the team than elevating each other.
So it’s two-fold and we must always be diligent until we have all of our ducks in a row and even after we have to protect what we’ve built.
Still, I had one BM tell me he’s accepted that if he wants what’s best for his daughters he needs to encourage them to date interracially from the beginning. I of course told him it’s just as important to look for quality but that was a very interesting exchange to say the least.
Faith said…
Still, I had one BM tell me he’s accepted that if he wants what’s best for his daughters he needs to encourage them to date interracially from the beginning. I of course told him it’s just as important to look for quality but that was a very interesting exchange to say the least.
Faith, that man you spoke with knows what time it is. Most diasporic black folks are still heavily invested in the Matrix and will defend it openly (deep down many realize the truth but feel they have to “front” for various reasons) to the bitter end. In spite of the black girl and BW causalities as a direct result of continuing to believe fairytale notions of “black unity” and “black love” magically rebounding in large enough numbers while often being surrounded by the opposite in many instances.
That father (and any father or mother, cousin, grandmother, friend, etc… who actually cares about the future marriage opportunities of black girls and women) needs to do BOTH from the VERY BEGINNING. Encourage his daughters to be positively open to IR relationships – focusing specifically on IR relationships with WM since WM make up the majority in Western countries were diasporic black folks reside, AND only deal with QUALITY men displaying normal, masculine, responsible, respectable, family oriented, and loving traits. Period. End of story.
Evia has stated previously, black boys don’t need these upfront in your face discussions regarding exercising all of their relationship options. Because they are taught from birth by ALL of the black males in their environment daily – relatives and not – that they have the freedom to do so.
It’s the majority of black girls and black women who are still in the mental and emotional strait-jacket. It’s black girls and black women, who need to be RELEASED from ANY obligation towards uplifting a dead “community” and DBR males who don’t give two d*mns about them.
And obviously I realize that Hell would freeze over before the “black community” (growingly damaged collective) would give BW the green light to live their lives – including and most importantly their romantic lives – for themselves on their OWN terms. Without regard to issues related to blackness and specifically black males. Because that would be the FINAL collapse and death knell for the countless DBR leaches sucking the life blood of BW. Both male and female.
The simple fact is, given the unique circumstances BW (especially AA BW) find themselves in, those who are interested in living and loving WELL are going to have to GIVE THEMSELVES the permission and green light.
“Waiting” for something that will never come is USELESS and stupid. Plus, a fully functioning adult doesn’t need (or seek) permission from others to do something.
Remember that ladies in the listening audience. You’re FREE. The only one actually holding you back (if you feel as if you’re being held back) is YOU.
Therefore – as a free woman – you can choose to exercise the freedom you already posses.
The choice is yours. No one else’s.
[ To Anj and Ann–I believe that BOTH of you were trying to do what’s in the best interests of my site and bw. BOTH of you brought value here. Thank you! But obviously, there was a misunderstanding about some part of this. However, let’s just drop it here since you’ve both had your say. I won’t post another comment regarding this. Remember that we NEED each other because animals that travel in herds are safer! LOL! That’s the TRUTH!
It’s critical for AA women to keep in mind that you can be RIGHT and be alone and then be devoured by your enemies who really do try to pit us against each other to pick us off–one by one. Therefore, it is never smart for us to win the argument with a bw, especially, and lose the bw in the process, unless we want to lose her, as we do in the cases of the DBRs and/or bm-identified bw or problematic others. So, please–no more squabbling.]
Ann,
I don’t care about bw/am relationships. I went to this site to look around and alerted Evia to what I found. FYI, I am not a new poster/reader. I’ve been reading Evia for years. Probably longer than you have. I don’t comment on here because Evia and I are like minded and I’ve always thought this way. There was never a time in my life when I didn’t think this way. I come here because this is one of a few places to find likeminded blog hosts. I don’t NEED to come here and comment but I WANT to come here and read. I knew Evia had no idea what his site was about. Stop trying to start stuff and see phantoms where there are none. If you want to go to a site like that and cast a line, go right ahead but, there are more respectful bw/am sites out there. Stop shooting the messenger because you didn’t bother to investigate the site before sending Evia the article. This is the 2nd time you addressed me and I let the first one go. This will be the last time I address you, for any reason.
@ Ann re:
New posters? Anj and BigWOwo and the latter name just happens to be the name of the site in question. You two or one are not about to stop am/bw relationships.
I’m not sure which site Anj was referring to but I’ve been to BigWOWO’s site and on the basis of what I saw as I briefly scanned his site and a chat with him, he’s ALRIGHT with me. BigWOWO is NOT the other Asian guy, that “pickup” promoter.
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@Faith re:
male rapper,
I think someone sent me some garbage about that. These days, I scan the first few lines and delete garbage like that. AA women, for sure, do not have the time to read and discuss anything that the ABC/DBR faction is doing because those factions are not promoting and protecting the interests of bw who are trying to move on and escape extinction.
However, I realize that many AA women are addicted to elements of those factions. They keep reading DBR horror stories, which means that these women are absorbing poison. And then, some of these women want to send these horror stories to the rest of us. LOL! I do realize that some may be interested in these horror stories, but I am NOT.
The time spent reading and discussing DBR horror stories is time that could be spent on MOVING ON. Also, horror stories are spiritually poisonous. This is one reason why so many AA women are spiritually down this morning; yet they won’t stop reading those horror stories.
Anyway, regarding my comment above about the ‘intellectual vs the emotional,’ I don’t even try to analyze or discuss anything these days that I know upfront won’t benefit me and possible like-minded others.
My site is aimed at a segment of AA women and similarly-situated bw and our uplifters and supporters. I spend time corresponding with other AA women and our supporters to find common ground BECAUSE this has GREAT potential to promote and protect my interests and the interests other likeminded AA women. I do this because I know from science that “Animals that travel in herds are safer.” This has been known for a long time. So being a part of a herd and trying to increase the size benefits me.
So, the intentional community (IC) concept is not something that I came up with. These communities have been in effect for a long time but had different names and purposes. Many of these communities already operate here in the U.S. and throughout the world.
The main difference between them is that they are set up for different PURPOSES. Many people join those ICs if and when their goals are in line with the purpose of those ICs and if they are allowed in.
It is clear to me that SOME AA women would benefit tremendously from participation in an IC. Therefore, they need to form these ICs because I believe that if you don’t have what you need, you should find it or build it. It would meet many of the major needs of AA women–single, married, of all ages, etc. including social, emotional, financial, security, spiritual, cultural, etc.
These communities are effective when they stick to their purpose, and we know this because we can see how other intentional communities have fared. I helped to create and participated in an IC and it was a positive experience for me.
Of course, AA women’s thinking and actions are closely monitored by the bc. If AA women are seen as withdrawing themselves and their resources from the bc (similar to the Ayn Rand’s book premise), others in the bc would go ballistic because the typical AA woman is a meal ticket for x-numbers of AA parasites.
No one ever said life was easy and the present unnecessary suffering that so many AA women are experiencing is not easy either.
However, it could be done because some segments of people have always withdrawn to an extent from the main group and built a thriving way of life for themselves. For ex. look at the Amish. Participating in an IC doesn’t even need to involve total withdrawal; we participated in our IC and still kept many aspects of our lives operating exactly the same as before OUTWARDLY. Inwardly, we marched to a different drummer.
I talk about this and more in my newsletter, so after this comment, I won’t discuss the IC here. As you alluded, we do need to do certain things away from the masses of prying eyes.
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@ Felicia re:
Evia has stated previously, black boys don’t need these upfront in your face discussions regarding exercising all of their relationship options. Because they are taught from birth by ALL of the black males in their environment daily – relatives and not – that they have the freedom to do so.
For ex. I’ve talked with several of my bm relatives about IR dating issues and 2 of them them in their 20s and early 30s are absolutely Quality men. I would vouch for them. LOL! They have ALL dated non-bw BECAUSE dating out has pretty much become the norm among many segments of Americans–except for AA women. My male cousins don’t understand why AA women would even pause. These guys also date bw.
They actually don’t understand what I mean when I talk about this “nothing but a bm” pledge of some bw. LOL! They say they don’t ever hear any bw actually say that, so they are skeptical when I tell them that there is a chip in SOME bw’s programming that makes them feel that way and that feeling has nothing to do with whether bm strongly appeal to them or not.
The fact is that I hear from bw often who tell me that bm don’t have any particular appeal to them but they always just felt they were supposed to be with a bm. That’s the chip talking; that’s indoctrination!
And it is VERY clear that that chip is NOT present in the programming of AA men! Therefore, when AA men got a chance to be with non-bw without getting their neck stretched, the stampede began. And nothing is going to stop the stampede because there is nothing in their programming that will stop it. It won’t matter whether EVERY AA woman becomes a flawless “Stepford Wife” type of woman.
And actually, there is no reason why any AA man shouldn’t be with whomever he wants to be with and the same goes for any bw. I definitely do not want a man with me if he wants or prefers to be with another woman, and no self-respecting bw should either. So as long as AA men do their thing without trying to get the defense and support of AA women to subsidize their life with non-bw, I’m indifferent to them.
Hi Everyone.
Reading this site has become more and more interesting. I never knew that there was such a disparity between the outlook of BW and BM. The two genders have such different emotions and approaches to life and reality. We don’t have that in the white community. White men and women have different emotions, to be sure, but not to this extraordinary extent. Evidently, we treat our women much more respectfully than BM do, but we’re brought up from childhood to be gentle with girls. From what I’ve read on this blog, it almost seems that BM are in a constant state of adolescence. They don’t seem to emotionally grow beyond 16 years old. White male teenagers act that way, but usually change drastically when they go to college and start thinking of a career, getting married and having a family. I remember a line from an old movie where the father tells his son, “Get married and start a family. There’s nothing like raising a family to make a man forget his troubles.” I think we’ve hit upon the solution to a problem in the BC. Not enough BM go on to school, start a career, and have a family. Therefore they spend their lives being perpetual teenagers, while the women go to school, make something of their lives and move. But here’s where it gets sticky. The BW continues wanting and waiting for her black Prince Charming to come——while that perpetual teenager never gets the ambition to better himself. Yet the educated, enculturated BW is reticent to accept a WM. We keep coming back to the same question. Why?
JJinPA
Hello, a few months ago on your blog you had photos of a interracial couple at their Wedding in Venice, Italy. I lost the page from my bookmarks, could you please give me the link?
Thanks.
And I honestly wish other bw who have “been there” would start blogs talking about it because they can understand it emotionally. I can understand it intellectually, but not emotionally. I am not wired to treat anyone better than they treat me. So I can’t imagine allowing a NV or LV man to hang around me for more than a minute. Like I said, I can understand it intellectually and talk the talk about it, but emotionally I can’t see what’s in it for the woman. I would quickly lose interest in him.
^did somebody call for a witness? (LOL.)
In all seriousness: Evia, I hereby loudly confirm with nearly TWO DECADES’ worth of this mess behind me that all manner of hooking up with useless males will only bring unnecessary suffering, destruction and death! I had front row seats to the GHETTOCALYPSE until last week (I just moved), and a long journey to my overall healing has begun. BTW, I have the dubious honor of raising my lone visible consequence of hooking up…er, daughter…ALONE. with negligible support.
As a guest blogger–because, well, if I had my own blog, my posts would more often than not be written in red, bold and all caps, with the occasional expletive sprinkled in for good measure*–for the past several months, I’d like to think that up to now I’ve adequately warned other BW of what awaits them when the oxytocin wears off and they continue in this path…to the lurkers: NO, this is NOT the default setting or your destiny; just STOP IT ALREADY, and quickly!! it frustrates me to no end trying to insist that these foolish/feckless BW–many of whom, as I’m finding out, are in a much better position (financially or otherwise) than myself!–cut all this mess out!
As a rule, I put myself on blast occasionally (y’all lucky I don’t have medical records from the past 15 years or a scanner on hand!…I can show better than tell what indoctrination does to your body) so younger BW don’t have to find any of this out the hard way…
*These days, I’m trying to avoid ranting in general and focus more on thriving. hope my testimony of sorts helped.